not_quite_human | Recent Entries

Talking to a friend this morning and I realize I have nightmares a lot. I never used to think I did, but the last two night's I did. Last night's was a two parter: at one point I was being chased by something, wanted for capture. Why I don't know, but it was terrifying. The other part was just really sad. I was reliving my grandma's passing, but instead of being in a different state I was there. I could see her laying in bed helpless and not feeling great. She couldn't even move, which is how she was in her final moments. She had just been too weak to, but in the dream it was like she was actually paralyzed. Then later, when I wasn't by her side, the call came. I didn't answer it - someone else did, though I don't remember who. I just remember them looking at me while she holding the receiver and this knowing coming over me. We'd lost her.

Night before last I dreamt that a friend was going to have to stop talking to me in about a week. Also that for some reason Luna wasn't allowed in this house for the winter so she had to be taken away for awhile. So I was going to be completely and utterly alone. For some reason I woke up thinking of the number 12, though I don't know why. It seemed important in the dream, but again I don't know why. Maybe it was 12 days til friend had to stop talking to me? Note to self to look up and see what the 12th card in the tarot deck is later, see if that has any significance.

Typing these out I realize they are both about loss in some way. Afraid to lose my freedom, but also loss of those I love. Fear of being alone. The fact that these are coming up in December is not surprising to me at all. December has long been a month of loss for me. It should be a happy time bc of the returning light and my birthday, but honestly my birthday is the most traumatic day of them all. It's the day that, three years ago, I lost everything that mattered to me.

Current Mood: anxious
Current Music: birds in the forest spotify playlist

The other night I dreamt I was writing a story in a notebook. Longhand, by pen. I haven't written anything in months, though I did have a story going in a notebook. It was a different notebook in the dream, and I can't remember if it was the same story or not. But I was actually writing something. I had started writing a lesbian version of Ghost basically (wasn't my intention, but hey), and then...idk I lost motivation to do basically anything. Maybe depression? Not sure.

After that dream I wanted to start writing again. I managed to write three blog posts and have them scheduled to go up at appropriate times, but have yet start back in on the story. I got stuck because I had to develop a character that I for some reason just couldn't design. I felt too much pressure or something. Maybe sometime soon I'll get back to it though. I want to. I was actually really enjoying writing it.

Current Mood: tired

for a long while i didn't feel any kind of pull spiritually. and i still can't say that i have, really. but i've been feeling like...idk i've been getting signs? or like some goddess was knocking at my door again. ofc i resisted at first. i still don't trust anything that way and i have a lot of things i'm still working through in regards to spirituality and the break up [no one ever had any issue with me being "pagan". quotes bc idk what i am now lol. but they never said a word about my spirituality - good or bad. anyway. the issues i have are a result of my own fucked up brain]. anyway, for awhile i wondered if it was Brigid, but...I actually think it's Freyja. we all know I'm obsessed with cats, but have been even more so lately. without even intentionally doing so i made a necklace that could easily be a wearable altar/tribute to her [black cat, piece of amber, the bell from luna's collar bc she hates bells], and then when I went to get out my dragon's blood incense my eyes landed on the old string of prayer beads i had for her and suddenly i HAD to hold them. i've got them sitting next to me as i type this.

no idea where else to record this so putting it here bc why not.

Current Mood: confused

Had some dreams that left me feeling....sad, last night. Melancholy might be a better word, but eh.

In the first dream I was on top of my ex. She was laying on her bed and I had her arms pinned to the sides of her pillow. I had tentacles and she was asking me to touch her breasts with them, so I did. Then I'm leaning down to kiss her and we make out for a short time. I wake up before anything else happens. Is it normal to dream about an ex like this? More than a year after you broke up? I admit to still being physically attracted to her but sheesh.

The other dream was more...in depth I guess. It was about friends and the same ex. In it, I was talking to J. I forget what we were talking about. I wanna say something Hearthstone related, but I can't really remember. Whatever it was we were getting along and talking, and everything seemed ok. He still didn't know that my ex and I are friends, though he suspected as much I think. Towards the end of our conversation he said something to the effect of "as long as she [meaning my ex] is happy that's all I care about", which I went onto clarify he meant he didn't mind if we were friends. ~ In another room, ex was sitting at a long table with another friend across from her, M. M was doing something crafty, though I never knew what. Ex waved me over as I was about to walk out of the room and in a whispered conversation commented that it looked like J and I were friendly again. I explained what J had said and she kinda smiled. Idk why we were whispering though, maybe so M didn't hear? Though it felt like we were still trying to be discrete that we even talk even though it was plain to see.

I miss my old friends. Can I even call them friends anymore? Most of them want nothing to do with me. I try not to dwell on this stuff bc it brings me down really fast, but when I can't even escape it in sleep it gets kind of hard not to. Part of me also wants to tell my ex about these dreams, but I also don't want to bring her down and/or make things awkweird.

Today I found out that a former friend is moving away to another state. I say former friend sadly because frankly I miss him. A lot. I never wanted to stop being friends. But...I did some pretty fucked up shit and he cut contact with me, even going so far as to block me on Discord and such. I always feel like when someone blocks another that's it. There is no avenue for even an attempt at contact. Sure, I could use email or a phone number...but when someone blocks you that's a pretty obvious sign they don't want to hear from you, so reaching out feels in a way like boundary breaking.

Anyway.

I haven't talked to this person...I'm going to call him friend in this post actually bc given the chance I would love to be friends again. I never stopped considering him a friend...so friend is how I'll refer to him. So, I haven't talked to this friend in about a year at this point, and it really tugs at my heart strings. He was one of the few people i could say I legitimately trusted. I'm sad I haven't been able to talk to him for so long and I'm sad that he's moving away. It sort of feels like him moving away means there really is no chance of ever being friends with him again and it...I hate it. Maybe there never was a chance to begin with, but this feels so...final. I get now why so many old movies have the guy chasing after the girl to stop her from boarding a plane to fly away.

I feel like I shouldn't be this sad, but here I am in a dark room with my cat beside me wanting to cry. It's dumb.

There's a going away party Saturday at a mutual friend's house and there's not a snowball's chance in hell that I could attend that for a bazillion reasons even if the host were to invite me, but I admit I wish I could. I'm really trying not to fall into a bad brain/depression spiral but it's kinda hard. It's all my own fault that I'm even in this position and can't attend or even tell this friend goodbye and that just makes the brain weasels even harder to fight.

Current Mood: sad

So I'm a little obsessed with transformation and love roleplaying different scenarios where my or my rp partner's body changes in various ways. Tentacles, tails, wings, you name it I'm pretty much down for it. Even the really weird stuff. But I never realize how much tf rp helps me actually function as an adult...or how much it helps me be productive, until the days when I'm actually rping stuff.

I'm pretty much taking over for my boss this week at work because there's been a shake up in the district. So that means a shit ton of hours and a lot of responsibility - both of which have the power to overwhelm me easily. Yet today went very smooth despite a huge shipment that was basically twice the normal shipment size and me being alone with about 5 other tasks in addition to that shipment that needed to get done for 4 hours. No panic attacks. A little bit of anxiety, but not an unmanageable amount. And I had an easy way to deal with it - continue tfing my rp partner.

After work I went to the grocery, came home and cooked dinner, took out the garbage, did dishes, cleaned out my cat's litter box, and set up an intake appt at a new therapist for this Thursday. I'm not usually this productive on days I have off let alone on days I work. Oh I've also lit two candles in my room just because candle light is nice. I'm also considering throwing in laundry, though now that my housemate's are home that might wait until tomorrow morning when they leave for work and I'm here alone. Hey tf rp's may help me be more productive, but they don't make me want to interact with Trump supporting racists any more than I absolutely have to :P

Current Mood: productive

I keep watching late game Kingdom Hearts 3 stuff and gods they just slam Axel with all the feels all throughout the game. First with seeing Xion when he looks at Kairi {also btw, I always thought Xion was part of Kairi...not Sora??? But I guess she was part of Sora all along?}, and then at the end with Isa/Saix. Like...gods. I would have been bawling like a baby if I was in his place.

( SPOILERS INSIDE )

Current Mood: irritated

I need to find a new therapist. I say this every week, if not mutliple times a week, but I'm just not jiving with this guy. I'm not sure if it's the type of therapy he specializes in [CBT] or if it's him, but rarely do I actually get anything out of our sessions. I've remarked to friends that I feel better after just playing video games for an hour, or after venting/talking to them about stuff.

This week's session was...enlightening I guess. Not because of anything he did, but because I realized it might actually be a combo of the type of therapy and the guy. You see, every single week he asks me how I'm filling my free time when I'm not at work. He knows my hobbies by now - I've been seeing him since late last Summer. I always answer "watching anime, playing video games, and/or hanging out with friends". Perhaps it's just the way I'm interpreting the frequency of being asked, but it almost feels like he's not happy with those answers. [I remember early on in our sessions he didn't seem to like that I spent my time playing video games. He kept trying to ask stuff like "don't you think your time would be better spent doing x instead". Only when I explained that video games make me happy and pull me out of bad thought spirals did he finally relent.] He also keeps asking me what I'm doing to make new friends and keeps trying to push me into going to college. I've told him I'm not exactly looking to make new friends - I'm not against it by any means, but it's not anywhere on my list of priorities right now. The college thing he continually mentions because I one time mentioned that I'm studying Japanese on my own and that I thought working in game design might be cool. However, the way he goes about it feels a little like a parent might be pushing their high schooler into applying. "An education opens up so many doors" was actually a line he said. Yeah, it does, but it also comes with a price tag and the last thing I can afford right now is student loans. I want to go to college, I've wanted to for years, that isn't the problem. The problems come when I think about trying to figure out what I might want to go to school for, and then how I would afford it - not just in terms of paying for the schooling itself, but then in the way it limits by availability to work which means I would most likely earn less than I am now. And I struggle just to pay rent most months.

I understand he's trying to get me to move my life forward and that he's attempting to motivate me. At least I think that's what he's trying to do. It's just...his methods seem to be ineffective with me? I don't want to feel like my therapist is my parent or that I'm being forced into something.

We also talked about anxiety because I've had a few inexplicably anxious days lately. I say inexplicably because I have no idea what caused the anxiety. There were no thoughts that accompanied it, it was just purely physical symptoms like racing heart and a "nervous" feeling though there was nothing I was actually nervous about. That's about the best way I know how to explain it. Anyway, he told me to try jogging so that I could pretend my heart was racing from that and not from anxiety. Alright...I can try it. I won't knock it til I do. But it also seems like...I don't know like that's trying to trick my mind and that doesn't normally work with me. At least not if you've outright told me it's meant to be a kind of trick. Then I'm just aware of it.

I don't know. I guess I just feel like this guy is being critical of me in ways that I didn't think a therapist should be? This is the first I've ever been in therapy in my life so I'm not sure what's normal or abnormal when it comes to therapists. I wish it were easier to find therapists, but being on medicaid severely limits the selection pool.

Current Mood: conflicted

Kingdom Hearts 3 released yesterday and I'm so hard up to play it but I can't because I don't have a ps4 but omg. I'm watching play throughs and leeching info off friends and I hate that I can't play it. But lol like I can afford a ps4 right now. I was gonna get one at the release of KH3 but then a sudden 600 buck car repair stole all my munny so I couldn't. Someday...someday. And I'll have to play the other numbered Kingdom Hearts games, too.

Right now though I have a 3ds and I'm attempting to play every KH game that'll work on it. Already played some of Dream Drop Distance, though I never could get passed Tron, but next up in the series is gonna be 358 Days. I already own it I just want to finish playing Tales of Vesperia before diving into a new game. I'm also playing KHux on my phone since it actually canon stuff. Also knowing where it falls in the timeline of all KH games made it more...idk appealing? Not sure that's the right word...made it make more sense? More something.

I'm highly aware that I'm playing all of these out of any order - out of release order and out of continuity order. They still make sense to me though as I went through and watched play throughs of all the games in release order, and while it was great and I loved watching them, there is something to be said for actually playing a game rather than just watching it. So I'm going back and playing through them all.

POTENTIAL KH3 SPOILER AHEAD

I wasn't going to play Re;Coded bc when watching the video I was like "this is dumb and almost feels like a recap of things" buuuuuut then Vexen shows up in KH3, and Riku mentions replicas becoming real when given a Heart and that's a way to make Roxas real, and suddenly Re;Coded seems important. So I'm going to try to track down a copy of it as well.

Current Mood: anxious

I'm currently trying to figure out what I want to do for dinner tonight so I thought I'd talk about all the delicious food stuffs I've been having lately with the hopes that it stimulates my brain into thinking of something that sounds equally as appetizing.

I already posted about the delicious ramen I had a handful of nights ago, so this brief mention of it is all I'll do for that.

Then I also got dinner at my favorite diner one night. I've been stuck on their turkey melt and curly disco fries so naturally I got that. I actually started making my own turkey melts at home, and I find I like them better bc I use different ingredients - munster cheese instead of swiss and white or wheat bread instead of rye, for example. Also usually add roasted red pepper to it - but I wanted the disco curly fries, and I didn't have turkey melt fixins at home so I just got that.

I don't eat breakfast very often, maybe just a piece of toast every now and again, but when going near a Wonder Bagel you don't pass it up. It's cheap and delicious. I got an everything bagel with sundried tomato cream cheese. Considered getting a second bagel with a sweet cream cheese like blueberry or strawberry, but didn't and would later regret it.

Went into nyc one day for the Tolkien exhibit at the Morgan and of course had to get ny pizza. The pizza near me is solidly mediocre, so I forever devour the good stuff when I can. Btw anyone who says pineapple doesn't belong on pizza is just plain wrong. Yeah, it is best when ham or something else savory is present, but pineapple does go on pizza. You won't convince me otherwise. Ever.

And finally I got scrumptious lamb shawarma with a side of stuffed grape leaves. This is something I am kicking myself for having been too pretentious to try in previous years because I fucking melt every time I take a bite of it. It's so damn good. I really, really wish there was a good falafel place near me but I haven't yet found one. Granted I haven't much looked for one either.

So, talking about foods did help a little. I realized something. I'm not super hungry rn. Like it's 4pm and dinner time is approaching and I'm mentally aware of that so my brain goes "oh time to start thinking about food", and when I recognize this I begin to realize how often I eat because I feel like I'm supposed to just due to the way society trains us. But right now I'm not hungry. I have the munchies and the popcorn I have isn't satisfying them, but I don't really want a full meal. I might later, but not right now. I have a frozen pizza, which is definitely NOT the same as the new york pizza, but it's likely what I'll have if I get truly hungry later. For now I'm just going to eat these seaweed snacks and continue watching this play through of kingdom hearts 3. Also omg I forgot how delicious seaweed is :P

Edited to add: No, wait. I figured out what i want. Mac'n'cheese. Now just to see if I have enough milk to make some with...

Current Mood: cold
Current Music: kingdom hearts 3 stream

This past year has been one of the hardest, if not the hardest, that I've ever lived through. It's also been...I can't say the best, but...I guess the most enlightening is the best way to put it. Do you ever look back at who you were at one point in your life and think "who the fuck is that person"? I've been doing that a lot lately. The reason this past year has been so hard and so enlightening is because it's the first year I've ever lived truly on my own. Prior to this year I'd lived with my mom and then with my ex*. There was a span of maybe six months where I lived on my own, but I was still heavily dependent on my mom for transportation (there isn't any form of public transportation in Avon, IN. Like...none. I don't mean it's scarce, I mean it literally doesn't exist), and because of that I was still heavily influenced by what she wanted from and expected of me. But this past year...for the first time...I could just breathe and figure out what I wanted without worrying about living up to someone else's expectations.

I feel like it's important to note that, in hindsight, I could have done all the soul searching and what not while my ex and I were together. There is nothing she did that prevented it. She encouraged it, actually. But I had grabbed onto and held onto this notion that I had to have things figured out, had to know what I wanted, had to have a dream, etc and I didn't know just how damaging that strangehold was to me (and our relationship). But this post isn't about that relationship. I just wanted to note that she had nothing to do with all of this so she doesn't blame herself...just in case she ever reads this ;)

Anyway. When you're a kid everyone asks you what you wanna be when you grow up. As a small kid I wanted to be a teacher. Then I wanted to be a chemist when my uncle died from cancer. At one point I wanted to be a marine biologist...I think mostly just because I liked the way the title sounded. Then late in high school I latched onto "writer". One of my good friends at the time wanted to be a writer and she seemed to have everything figured out, even if she struggled, and everyone kept asking me what I wanted to be when I graduated and I kinda latched onto that. I mean, I would write shitty vampire romances at 1am so...I could be a writer, right? Yeah...I could. I don't even need a college degree to be a writer - another thing that made "writer" so appealing.

Then I found Paganism and because my mom was so adamant that it was only a phase I felt the need to perform Paganism and be super dedicated to it.

All of this in a short form is...I never felt like it was ok to just not know who I am or what I wanted. And I didn't realize I felt that way until recently. Or rather...I didn't know how to say that's how I felt. I wasn't able to accurately label how I felt. So when I moved in with my ex I had been holding onto all of that. And because I had professed that "yes, I am definitely Pagan" and "yes, I definitely want to be writer" I didn't know how to admit that maybe those weren't true anymore. Not that they weren't true at one point, but that I had changed my mind or outgrown the thing. So I clung tighter, so tight that I couldn't see the damage I was doing to people around me...or to myself. But then break up happened, people wanted nothing to do with me, and I was alone with just my cat and my thoughts.

Nothing mattered anymore.

For awhile I went on and tried to keep performing Paganism. I wrote some poetry and even some short stories, but...as time went on I decided that instead of trying to make myself stick to a list of daily things to do I'd just let myself be drawn wherever the wind blew me (so to speak). If I was craving a burger I'd eat a burger. If I wanted to play video games I'd play video games. If I wanted to go for a walk I'd go for a walk. I was kind of surprised, and also not surprised at what took up most of my time.

On some level I had known that "YA author" wasn't what I really wanted. I think I even knew that "author" (of any genre) wasn't a dream, but rather something I just latched onto to answer all the adults' questions. Back before I admitted all that though I always thought that was with unlimited time or without other people's expectations I'd spend all my time writing. Wow was I ever wrong. I do still write, but the things I want to write are far more niche and I find the urge the open a blank document comes only every so often. I do actually enjoy writing, and I wouldn't mind having a side gig writing articles or something, but if I ever am a full time writer I'm sure it'd be in the nonfiction realm somehow - not fiction. I do enjoy writing body horror stories though (and I should finish the one I'm halfway through).

But the thing that I consistently reached for time after time was video games. I've always loved games, but because I'd been clutching to the notion of being a writer so much I never let myself really play them much. Even when I and my friends had a small let's play channel I didn't let myself really sink my teeth into it. I was always far more concerned with building my author platform when the reality was I could barely finish writing a short story. Over the past year I've played more games than I did in the last five years combined. I've bought more games than I have books.

I've been thinking about what it is I actually believe, too. Like in a religious/spiritual sense. There is a part of me that believes there is some kind of "higher" being than we earth dwellers. And I use higher loosely because...maybe they have powers maybe they don't. Who knows. I guess you'd label them gods, but...if they exist I highly doubt they have any more interest in us than a 13 year old has in the tamogatchi she got 2 months ago. And really what appealed to me most about Paganism is the nature aspect...and by that i mean the Pagan holy days are naturally occuring points in the year - solstices and equinoxes. I don't see a need to celebrate any of it mind you (except maybe the winter solstice when the days start getting longer and we can look forward to winter's end in a few months :P). I don't see a need to do rituals or spells or anything like that. The only "spell" that need really be cast is the one called Hard Work & Dedication. No amount of candles or crystals or herbs are going to get you that job or that new car or that house. But research, knowing your shit, and saving money will.

A few weeks ago my therapist asked me what goals I had and what I wanted to do with my life, which is part of what got me thinking about all of this. I'd been noting how much I'd changed in the past year already (hell, even my wardrobe is different), but when he asked that and all I could do at the time was shrug and shake my head it got me thinking. I didn't know. And...I was ok with not knowing. Even after doing a bunch of thinking I still don't really know what I want to do with my life - I don't have a dream of some career I want to chase, or a thing I want to Be. But here's what I do know:

-I love video games. Specifically story driven games. Because of that last bit I tend to go for RPG's and have begun finding platformers a little dull, but really if there's a story involved I don't really care what genre of a game it is. I think the one genre of games I can say with at least a degree of certainty that i don't like is roguelikes. I can't get better at stages that I fail in if I'm given a different stage every single time and i don't like that. If I fail at something I want to be able to try it again until I figure it out/get better at it/beat it.

-When it comes to religion/spirituality I'm probably more agnostic than anything. And for that matter, kind of apathetic about it. If gods exist, what does it matter? That's not meant to be a depressive statement, but more of what impact do they have on earth/me/the world in general? They don't. So it doesn't really matter if they exist or not.

-I love anime and because I've been watching it so much I've started learning Japanese. Both just in picking it up from watching stuff, but mostly through deliberately searching out ways to study it. A friend is helping me learn and giving me decent resources that they used to learn it (before they spent time in Japan as an English teacher).

-I do like fiction writing, but not nearly enough to even want to attempt making it a full time job. I want to write body horror/tf stories and that's really about it. In reality, the idea of writing a story that isn't body horror doesn't even interest me right now. It seems, to be frank, boring. I want to write about humans growing tentacles or tails or antennae or all of those at once. (I also wish there were more good body horror writers out there.)

-I want to stream video games on Twitch. I don't have the equipment for it at all, but I've been watching a lot of Twitch streamers and it looks fun. Different than doing let's plays because streaming is live where as LP's are recorded, but honestly I'd be happy to do both at some point. Gotta get equipment first before I can do either, so that's a small goal right now.

-The convenience of cars is really nice, but I want to live somewhere I don't have to own one. It would actually be better for mental health if I didn't own one. I have nightmares about car stuff (I have for years honestly. From going outside to finding tickets or my car having been towed or crashed into, to other things that are better explained in a different post), and any tiny little noise my car makes causes me anxiety now. My brain: "Oh the road is particularly bumpy in this one spot? Oh shit the car has a flat again!" or "There's a strange noise there's something wrong with the engine, it isn't the tires going over those divits in the road!" and "It's not gas from the gas station you're smelling, you have a gas leak!". It'd be much better on my bank account, too.

-I love cats. I've always known that, but because it's still true I wanted to note it. :P

There are other things I know (like I'm a total coffee lover, and while i love salad I'll happily sink my fangs into a juicy burger any day!), but if I listed everything about myself this post would be never ending. But I wanted to note all of this because it feels really good to at least have an idea of who I am now. Not what someone expects me to be. Not what someone thinks i am. Not trying to answer anyone's questions but my own. And because I've been able to finally let go of all the bullshit I'd been clutching so tightly, I've been able to open up more to people. I've come out to people as furry and a body horror fanatic - even nonfurries! Before I was kind of distant and quiet, but I talk more now! I have my own opinions about things and I'm learning that the thoughts I have are welcome to be shared. I'm not dumb - I don't only think of things other people have already thought of. I do of course notice them, but each person has a different perspective on things and that includes me. And yeah people are interested in my perspective and my thoughts! They always were, it was just me making myself think they weren't.

I still don't have an answer for my therapist. I still don't know what I want to do or Be other than just...myself. It's ok to be me and it's ok to explore and question and discover. It's ok to not know and not have all the answers.

I don't know what the future holds for me. But here's something I do know. It holds Me.

Current Mood: contemplative
Current Location: bed
Current Music: The Killers - A Matter of Time

Okay dealing with images here is really annoying. It was so much easier in LJ. Just click on a thing, browse my saved files, insert and edit size my dragging cursor around. Here it's...not like that. I'll have to figure it out somehow because I really like putting pics in my stuff.

Anyway, was recommended a new (to me) ramen place and had to try it. Person that recommended it to me was someone who's opinion I highly trust and when they said it was phenomenal? Yeah, that's a insta-try for me. So I did and omg talk about mouthgasms! I got the fired chili miso ton men and devoured all of it. So. Damn. Good. Wound up recommending it to a coworker/friend myself! It sucks that it's so far from my house because it means I can't get it very often, but hey. I'll never complain about having places to get delicious ramen!

And tomorrow I'm heading into the city for a Tolkien exhibit at a museum and while i"m in there I'm totally getting New York pizza. The pizza around me is mediocre and though I have it more often than I care to admit (simply bc it's right next door to work so easy to get on breaks) I will never turn down a chance to get New York pizza. It is best pizza.

Current Mood: good
Current Location: bed
Current Music: Pentatonix - Lean On

hey. hi. been a minute since I had a journal like this. but lately i've had a bunch of thoughts in my head that I want to write out somewhere but don't really have a space to. so I created this journal. i'm a furry, gaymer, anime nerd (just call me a weeb and be done with it)...just a nerd in general really. not sure what all i'll be posting about, probably a little bit of everything. but having a place to write things out was needed so here I am. welcome to my little (corner of the) web.